


Healing

by fhsa_archivist



Category: Angel: the Series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-12
Updated: 2006-03-12
Packaged: 2019-02-05 13:37:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12795714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fhsa_archivist/pseuds/fhsa_archivist
Summary: It's never fun to have to face your problems, but sometimes its not so bad if someone is there with you. Spander fic, final in trillogy. Sequal to 'only human' and 'ashes to ashes'





	Healing

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Haven, the archivist: This story was originally archived at [Fandom Haven Story Archive (FHSA)](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Fandom_Haven_Story_Archive), was scheduled to shut down at the end of 2016. To preserve the archive, I began working with the OTW to transfer the stories to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. If you are this creator and the work hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Fandom Haven Story Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/fhsa/profile).

  
Author's notes: Disclaimer: Last in Trillogy and again, I own nothing here.  


* * *

Spike can’t help the slightly sardonic grin that comes over his face as he pretends to listen to Angel’s friends as they chatter and laugh with him, accepting Spike as part of their team. The blond Vampire relishes the uneasy, almost annoyed look on his Sire’s face when the poof notices how tactile Fred is getting with him. Not that Spike would mind Fred’s arm in his, if Angel hadn’t noticed; Fred has become the closest thing he has to a friend and confidant since returning from his (albeit temporary) death in Sunnydale. Spike has no intentions of loosing that friendship, he’s lost enough already, but he’s not above pushing it in Angel’s face to irritate him. 

 

After all, a Vampire’s got to get his kicks somehow; since Spike isn’t welcome in New Orleans, courtesy of Buffy, he’s stuck with Angel for now. Spike knows he could go out on his own, become a lone Vampire and all that crap- but it just isn’t him. He’s always enjoyed being close to people even if, in recent years, those people have been human. Besides the world is a death-trap now, with all the new slayers littered about; Spike isn’t stupid enough to think they’ll check for a soul before attacking him, they’d be stake now and think later. Either he’ll end up as dust or adding a third slayer to his list; neither option particularly appeals to him. 

 

“An then Angel up and tells him, I have no problem spanking men!” Fred bursts into a fresh set of giggles, her accent becoming more pronounced as she continues, “I wish I could have seen his face, y’all don’t know how much that would have made my day.” She giggles again and Spike can tell, from the look on Angel’s face, that the other Vampire is starting to regret telling Fred the story. Especially since she’s enjoying retelling it for Spike’s benefit. Spike can see the resignation on Angel’s face, as his Sire’s eyes flick to him, waiting for a comment he knows can’t be avoided. 

 

Spike doesn’t disappoint. Instead he claps Angel on the shoulder with his free hand, smirking at the look he gains in return, “Doesn’t surprise me in the slightest luv.” He winks at Fred before tossing a sneer back at Angel, “Peaches here’s, been known to be a bit kinky bugger- trust me.” 

 

The almost inaudible growl he gets in response is well worth it, not to mention the peal of giggles Fred goes off into as she gets over her shock at the statement. 

 

Spike’s self-satisfied grin lasts only a few more seconds as something startlingly familiar niggles at his mind; stopping in his tracks, outside Angels office, Spike concentrates on the familiar scent which teases his senses. It’s tinged with despair and regretful acceptance and has the demon inside of Spike clawing at him, hissing in loathing. It takes Spike a minute to place it as he moves closer to the source, to the front of Harmony’s desk, but then Spike can taste the tears and regret that is unmistakably Xander; though his friend and ex-lover is nowhere to be seen. Spike doesn’t stop to consider why Xander was in LA, the Vampire just reacts on instinct.

 

His eyes drop down to Harmony, who sits filing her nails as she purposefully ignores him, Spike doesn’t even realize his Demon has come to the fore when he reaches down to grab her by the front of her expensive jacket. Eyes golden and with a glare that would have most people wetting themselves, Spike snarls at her, 

 

“Where is he?”

 

 

Xander isn’t sure how long he has been wandering the streets, he doesn’t even notice when dusk approaches and the predators come out with the dark. So lost in his abject misery and inner angst, he wanders for hours his mind focussed on one thing. Regret. The deepest most corrupting emotion, second only to guilt, of which Xander is filled with. Regret, for the love he dared to hope still remained and the foolishness he now felt, when he saw it directed somewhere else. When he walked into Wolfram and Hart, trusting that Buffy’s words rang true, and his hopes were cruelly dashed.

 

 

Xander had come to LA, not only to deliver some books for Wesley which proved a useful excuse, but also to see his lover’s return for himself. He spent the entire journey, preparing himself for the worst, awaiting the tense reunion and Spike’s rejection. Images of Spike and Angel locked together in every possible way, from sweaty coupling to curled up together, had nagged at his mind even as he approached the law firm but it was only when he witnessed them together that Xander truly believed it. He saw the easy bantering and affectionate touches between the two as Spike teased Angel, obviously embracing his new life in LA rather then reclaiming the old one. Xander’s stomach twisted and he had to fight down the urge to retch all over Harmony’s expensive outfit as she blathered to him; the words “sickening” and “clingy” reached his ears as he stared at the approaching group, dread growing in the pit of his stomach as Spike moved closer. 

 

Xander didn’t hear the rest of her sentence, didn’t see the jealousy and annoyance in Harmony’s eyes as she observed Fred’s arm in Spike’s. Xander naturally assumed Harmony is referring to Angel and Spike, he doesn’t see what else she could mean; he may not even want too, may find rejection is easier to cope with when it’s done on his terms, when Xander rejects Spike before the Vampire has the chance to do it first. 

 

Bile curling in his chest and burning his throat, Xander turns around quickly and drops to his knees as he heaves-unable to dispel the memory as easily as he does his lunch. Clutching his stomach he empties it, of what little food he’s been able to face eating earlier on in the day, as realization strikes him; his self-destructive lifestyle has taken on another pattern, his mind taking care to hurt him before he can take the chance that he will be hurt more intensely by someone else. By Spike.

 

Spike, the one person who has the most potential to hurt Xander; who can do it without even having to say a word. The person whose presence, or now lack of, sends Xander into depression. Xander knows Spike can hurt him and he doesn’t relish the idea, in fact it terrifies him. Xander knows he isn’t alone in this fear, Buffy has already admitted to him, that she’d been trying to push them apart because she was also afraid for him. Afraid of how close to the darkness, Spike could take him. When it comes to the Vampire, Xander has less control over himself then with any other person, and that too unnerves him, but the man knows he loves and misses the Vampire with an equal intensity. He doesn’t want to have to live without him and could easily keep hurting himself to try to soothe the pain, but Xander doesn’t want that either. He just wants Spike, as a friend if not a lover. 

 

Xander leans against the side of a shop, his eyes looking into but not really seeing what is in the window. He isn’t sure why he trusts Buffy’s judgement, still believes she has his best intentions at heart, and he can’t help hoping he’s made a mistake. Xander’s been beating himself up for so long, it’s almost become second nature and so he can’t help but wonder if he should have waited and spoken to Spike, rather then jumping to the first conclusion he could. It doesn’t take much for the epiphany to set it that he has to stop beating himself up and he stop running; Xander knows he can’t face Spike right away, however much he’s afraid of loosing his nerve if he waits, so he heads back to his motel room. No matter what the outcome, he plans to meet it with quiet dignity and deal with the pain himself, not run away and come back stinking of despair.

 

The one thing Xander over estimates in his planning is Spike, the blond vampire’s own desire to see Xander again, changes everything the man has planned. 

 

Unlocking the door, Xander enters his room to enjoy a warm shower before going back to the Law firm and facing the truth; to give himself more control he’s mapped out ever action up until he enters Angel’s place, the one thing he hasn’t taken into account is the furious Vampire stood in the center of his room. To say Xander is startled is putting it wildly; he jumps so violently he falls back against the door to shut it, his eyes locking with Spikes, the disbelief on his face startlingly obvious for the Vampire to see. 

 

Though the two say nothing, their eyes lock as both try to stare each other out; neither one knows how to make the first move or the words that can make pacify the other. Xander, not believing his own eyes or the possibility that Spike would have searched for him and Spike, who felt a confusing combination of euphoria and rage at seeing his last lover. In the end it’s Xander, who caves in first, 

 

“What are you doing here spike?” His words are soft but do nothing to ease the growing tension in the room.

 

Spike fights back the incredulous expression he knows is trying to settle on his face; he resists the urge he has to either spank or shag Xander into oblivion rather than answer the question by reminding himself the whole chaotic mess was his fault, albeit with the Poof's help.

 

“I came to see you, pet,” he notices Xander’s tiny flinch at the endearment, but continues, “Smelt you at Wolfram and Hart, you reeked up the whole floor with your upset.” 

 

Xander flushes with unhappy embarrassment, looking down as he remembers just how acute Spike’s sense of smell is. The man ignores the side of his brain supplying him with a hundred one sarcastic replies and comparisons of Vampires and dogs; he isn’t sure how Spike is feeling since the blond's body stance and expression is defensive as he waits for a reply. At this point Xander could easily flip Spike off, make something up or hide behind humor rather then let the Vampire know the truth but Xander’s finished running from it all, ready or not he’s going to face all his demons.

 

“I was there to see you,” Xander’s eyes are firmly fixed to Spike’s as he speaks, his words are still soft and his voice shaky but the more he explains, the firmer it gets. “After everything we went through, everything I thought we had, I was hurt to find out you were alive and you hadn’t told me. I knew something was up, something strange was going on. Everyone seemed nicer then normal, to the point at which I knew they had to be hiding something from me. Ironic thing is, it was Buffy who actually got the guts to tell me,” his eyes bored into Spike’s, the hurt on his face evident to see. “How do you think that feels? To know everyone knows but you? To know they’re all hiding it and pitying you for being with someone who’d rather pretend to be dead, then with you. Only the one person who ever had a problem with our relationship had enough balls to tell me and to then feel sorry for me!” His arms cross over his chest as his tirade ends, as he waits for a response from Spike. Despite screaming at his ex-lover, he feels surprisingly better then before, as the weight on his chest and stomach shifts off.

 

Spike can’t think of a way to justify himself to Xander and prove to the man, just how much he wanted to contact him. There’s no way he’ll admit how afraid he was to once he was made whole again, after Cecily, Angelus, Drusilla… it was easier not to take the risk sometimes. So he settles for the truth knowing the version that Buffy, or at the very least the Scoobies, had been told of his rebirth was edited away from his favor.

 

“Your right Xander, I didn’t call you, I didn’t call Buffy or anyone else up there but not because I didn’t want to, because I couldn’t.” 

 

That catches Xander’s attention, Spike can see a small furrow of confusion on his forehead and so the Vampire quickly continues, “Guessing you heard from Peaches rather then one of his lackeys since yer obviously missing a few details. I’m guessing the ponce, in his deep fear for the safety of the slayer’s knickers, told you I came back, end of. Well he missed a few bits Xan,” Spike sat down on the bed, tiredly telling the story. “When I came back I was more then just dead, I was a ghost. No touching, no communicating and no getting away from the gits at Wolfram and Hart; not to mention the thing that kept trying to drag me back down to hell. Truth is the brooding wanker would have left me to rot and be done with it, but I struck lucky. Fred, she’s a diamond and much to good for Angel’s likes, she spent ages working on my problems, trying to make me whole again.”

 

Xander’s extremely unsettled by the news that his lover was a ghost; Buffy hadn’t mentioned that part to him, only told him how sorry she was that Spike was remaining with Angel. However much Xander tries to consider the possibility that the slayer kept the truth from him, he can’t; Buffy had been sincere in her apology and had even gone as far as to tell Xander that she believed Spike had lied to him about being in love with Angel. A thought striking him, Xander moves a little closer and hesitantly sits on the other end of the bed, “So when were you made whole again,” He speaks quietly, his next words coming out in a rush despite his loathing to say them, “Why didn’t you contact me or come to me then?”

 

“I thought you’d moved on,” Spike shrugs feigning belligerence. “Didn’t seem any point in hanging around with you lot after Angel told me that, besides I got the impression the slayer would prefer it if I stayed put. “

 

“So you stayed with Angel, big surprise there.”

 

The last part is muffled but Spike’s enhanced hearing picks up on it. The Vampire feels annoyance surge through him at the comment; so he’d stayed with Angel, big deal it was better then the other option. “Yeah I stayed with the poof. It was better then being out on my ear pet, besides none of you lot came up and begged me to come back with you did you? ‘Sides the last I heard, you were all having a great time and getting on with things.”

 

Xander stares at him, “You’re kidding right? Great time? Spike it sucks up there as it is, but without you….” He trails off, cursing himself for letting his mouth run away from him and quickly changes the subject. “Buffy did call to speak to you, I was even with her when she did. I was hoping…she was hoping to make me feel better about everything; she even told she’d rather see me with a slightly naughty Vampire then miserable for all eternity. Not that I have all eternity.” He sighs and leans back to watch Spike’s reaction to his next question. “So how do you feel about me Spike? Are you in love with Angel, because right about now even I’m not so sure; in fact I’m starting to think maybe Buffy is right. Question is, why would someone be that cruel to someone that’s in love with them?” He didn’t regret the word’s even though they slip out, he lay all his cards out on the table and waits for Spike’s reaction.

 

Xander didn’t have long to wait. “So that’s it then, you think your in love with me?” The speech Spike has been preparing flies out of his mind with those last five words and is replaced by his instant question. He wants to slap himself at the look of hurt that crosses Xander’s face but he can’t stop, “You sure about that Xander? You sure you want me and not just what I can for you? What I can stop you doing or what I could do to you instead, to hurt you? Sure I’m not so beneath you that you can’t shag me but low enough down to be nothing but a dirty little game?” Spike moves closer to Xander his hand firmly taking Xander’s chin despite the man’s flinch.

 

“You can’t play this game and not get hurt Xan, your fingers are too close to the fire if you don’t pull them back now…” His eyes dance with an odd light as he grips Xander’s chin, keeping their eyes fixed on each other. 

 

Resisting every instinct that screams ‘run away’, Xander keeps his focus on Spike and notices a hint desperation behind his cruel façade. He understands what Spike is saying and knows deep down that Spike is right to worry about some of the things, but not all of them. Xander has every intention of steeping out of his self abuse cycle and he has no intention of allowing Spike to pull him back in or take over it; 

 

“No, no to all of them, and no you’re not getting off that easy Spike.” Xander peels Spike’s fingers from his chin as he speaks his tone decisive and voice growing stronger at each sentence, “I don’t want to be your victim Spike and I don’t want to use you either. This is as real to me as it is to you,” his gaze softens and he grasps the Vampire’s hand, taking a large risk with his next words, “and I know it’s real to you.”

 

Yanking his hand back, Spike jumps up off of the bed, his blue eyes flashing, “Real? You want to know what’s real Xander?” he looms over the human and bends down, their face inches apart as Spike shifts into his Vampiric face, “This, this is real Xander. This is what I am, not just a man but this too. You know what terrifies me more then disgust at what I am? Your acceptance Xan, when you bare you fucking throat to me and I have to force myself to pull back.”

 

“That’s what this is about?” Xander is astounded, he has been prepared for Spike to confess he did still have a yearn for Angel, or even for Buffy. Or for the blond to admit he just wanted them as shag-buddies and nothing more. Xander hasn’t been expecting the Vampire to confess that he is worried about what could happen in the intensity of their relationship. Swallowing hard he keeps his eyes trained on the rigid figure in front of him, with very slow movements Xander reaches up to trace the prominent ridges on Spike’s forehead. 

 

“I know what’s real Spike, I know this….you…this is just as real. Man and demon, both parts I love,” 

 

Xander can sense Spike’s about to draw back, most likely in disbelief and he continues, still stroking the other man’s face. “Believe me, I know what’s real and what isn’t. I’ve beaten myself up about it enough in the past, brooding over whether I was betraying Jesse’s memory and asking myself how I could fall in love with someone who embodies what I fight against and loathe. Truth is through Spike, no matter how much I beat myself up, what I did and what I thought it didn’t stop me loving you. Even believing you were in love with Angel didn’t stop me loving you. So I stopped beating myself up about it because I couldn’t change it, no matter how hard I tried, and when I accepted it…that’s when that happened. I don’t know why I did it, to be honest I barely remember doing it. All I remember is being with you and feeling safe, loved and in love. I wanted to stay that way forever,”

 

Spike’s face slowly smoothes back to his human features as Xander speaks and he finds himself moving to sit next to the man. He doesn’t try to pull away or speak, just listens to the honest, soul baring words from Xander. Only when Xander’s thumb moves down to smooth his lips does Spike respond, pushing back the urge to lavish attention on the thumb and take it into his mouth. “Xan luv…” Spike hesitates unsure of what to say for a moment, he takes Xander’s hand if only to keep the man’s thumb movements from distracting him. 

 

“Xan, when you did that, it was everything I could do to stop myself biting you. Not to feed mind but to claim you, luv” Spike is eternally glad that Xander doesn’t pull back in worry and start demanding to know what sort of freaky Vampire crap was going on. “Truth is both parts of me wanted to do so. The demon part of me felt like you were mine already and it wanted to make sure you stayed that way. It’s something I still want, because I love you too. I didn’t think you knew just what you were gettin into but if you do,” He pauses not wanting to sound like he is pulling away again, now he’s considering the possibility that they could be good together. “Just don’t think either of us are ready for it…just yet.”

 

“Me either.”

 

“Really?” Spike asks, surprised by Xander’s reaction and the smile he gets in return. 

 

“Really.” Xander’s answers firmly, “I love you and I want to be with you Spike, but I agree we aren’t ready for that deep weirdness yet. I mean look what happened at the suggestion of claiming, who knows what could happen at the real thing. Besides there’s a lot we don’t know about each other and a lot we need to catch up on. I’d rather not get that intense right away and use claiming as a band aid for all our problems.”

 

Spike raises an eyebrow, “our problems?” he echo’s, hoping Xander means what he thinks he means.

 

“We need to find out more about this whole vampire claiming thing and that,” Xander nods at his own decision as he leans back on the bed, “and yes Spike, our problems. All of our problems, “ his gaze drifts down briefly to his belly, “neither of us are perfect and neither of us can use each other to try to make us so. There’s a lot of messed up stuff in my life, I need to work through myself; I’m not asking you to wait for me or beg you to be with me during it, but I am asking that you be my friend if nothing more.” His eyes thoughtfully assess Spike, as he considers the responses he could get.

 

“And if I want more?” Spike chews the inside of his mouth as he waits for an answer, he can understand taking it slow but he doesn’t want to start back at the beginning again. Claiming or no claiming, every fiber of his being wanted Xander.

 

“You can have more,” Xander shifts nervously, “Spike…William the bloody would you be my boyfriend?” He tries to keep a straight face, despite his nervousness it strikes him as funny that he was asking a quarter of the Scourge of Europe to be his boyfriend.

 

Spike doesn’t hold back the genuine smile that sweeps over his face, “Only if you’ll be mine,” he murmurs in answer before leaning forward and softly kissing Xander’s lips. His own personal angst’s silenced, Spike’s arms encircle Xander; the man Spike knows will someday become his consort.

 

As Xander responds and their kiss deepens, all thoughts of the future and the problems to come are cast from their minds as they embrace each other; mind, body and soul more healed, now together, then when apart.

 

THE END


End file.
